Hey!!I've deleted the previous post already.
To people like me,you might really want read this post.
This will be a long and wordy one.But who cares!?Read it if you want!!
I felt really depressed and sad just now,wanted to shut this blog down!!
But now i'm not,i feel really happy!!
This is gonna be a real meaningful entry.Melinda has taught me somethings that took me 18yrs to understand.She told me that i must find my true identity.
When people tell you to shut-up or anything right.Please don't get angry with her/him.They are really doing you a favour.Why is that so?
They tell you to shut-up and continue to rant on and on.Most probably the person would be like look at your message.Reply and close the window.Imagine that?It really sucks right?So well,it is much better if you don't continue.Instead,you should find opportunities to talk about something that both parties are interested about.
Sms-es.Sending one sms is enough.If your friend doesn't reply.It must be for a reason.You don't have to ask"why you never reply me?","tell me what is wrong!?".If they don't want to reply.Then that is it.DON'T ASK.It will just make them irritated.
All this time,all i did was to hide behind a wall.There are friends.Those that are friends and those that are 'friends'.Sad to say.Im more of the 'friend'.I haven't really been a very good friend to anyone.Previously i did something that now,myself find unacceptable.I feel like such a moron for that.Hiding behind a wall.As in,i was not being myself.I was up with all the pretense being someone i'm not,thinking that it was better,sometimes i acted very nice to someone because i thought that it was the right thing to do.I got tired of being nice and became nasty at times.I shall demolish this wall and have a real me behind it.
I made friends with this someone a month ago.I found her really nice,one of those people you would really want to have and not lose.
But overtime,i got worried when she started to talk less and less to me.I found it very saddening.We could chat for maybe 5hrs or so but eventually it went less.
If things are meant to be.Let it be.Don't force things to your way.I bet everyone must have a time when you forced something to your way but found out that in the end it's all to your way now,but you feel unhappy about it.
It's now the same for me.In order to gain her attention.I sorta made use of my operation to gain that inch of attention.But i realised that it's all wrong.It's sympathy that i gained.Not much of any attention.I kept saying that i was gonna die.It now seems so stupid and pointless
I should have been,"hey,don't worry about me i'll be fine."Making other people so worried.I really feel very guilty.I shouldn't have done that at all.Making your friends worry on purpose.What kind of friend am i?!
Friendship.It should be built on foundation.Not on pity or sympathy.For that certain someone.I feel really sorry for her to have known me as a friend.I made use of her sympathy to get that bit of attention.Now i really feel bad.I don't know how to make it up to her.She said that i told different versions of stories to her and to another of my friend.Now to think of it,maybe i did.Oh wait.I did.But there were still mostly truths which i spoke of.
To that certain someone:
I'm really sorry that i made use of our friendship and took it for granted.I thought of using my operation as an excuse to just get that attention.To that certain someone:If you see this i hope that you will understand how i feel now.I really regret my actions.I've never regretted something that much.I deserve everything that is happening to me now.
You said that you will treasure the friendship between us.But i did not.I took it ALL for granted.It didn't come easy,yet i did that.Although things are messed up between us i understand why you are so angry now.It is fate that you will meet someone and get to know someone,but how you establish that friendship is up to yourself to create and do.
But now.I say that you are one of the friends that i will always treasure.ALWAYS.I will not take you for granted this time round.I will be different.I will rebuild this friendship on foundation this time.Not on sympathy or on pity.if you'd give me a chance.I will show it to you.It will be different this time.I understand what i have done wrong now.Maybe you will still think that i'm fake,but my intentions were real
That 1% were the lies and i can't remember the difference of the 2stories that i told you,but all the other things i told you regarding the op and the things i said about you were for real.I will miss those times of drawing and arguing.Maybe in the future we would be able to argue again perhaps?Hope you'll understand.
To friend of certain someone:
If you see this.I'm sorry that i may have lied to you at times,just that little.I just really wanted to get that bit of attention.Everyone likes attention,but i guess i went overboard with my actions.I hope that you will believe me this time now.I felt really terrible.All i kept on going was to ask you and that certain someone for forgiveness.This time i will not be all up with the pretense.I will earn that chance and be forgiven.Please trust me this time.It will be different!!If you do not want to forgive me,i will accept that very fact.
To the people who have finished reading this.I will change.I will shed that exterior.Being cool,smart,popular is all not important.Open your eyes.See your true friends.Treasure them.Do not be like me.To regret only after things are too late.
That conversation with Melinda.She was harsh with me as in words and spoke things that other people would not tell me or spoke of.She said it all.Now i understand how people see me,(except for the gay part,still don't understand why),a guy of self pity and desperately trying to gain sympathy will go nowhere,find your true identity.
I'm done with this post.I'm waiting for your book on Foundation of Faith!!I really appreciate the talk that we just had!!
I hope you and you(That certain someone and that certain someone's friend,who is also my friend)will read this.I don't want our friendship to sour and go to waste because of my stupidity and idiotism(sp?)You and you were greatfriends that i did not treasure.Now i will.Thank you.
See you Guys.
Good luck for your exams!Labels: Finding my true identity.
8:28 PM
